Bearing Gifts We Travel Afar

After a Christmas/Birthday lunch with Tiger's mom, brother, and sister-in-law at a well-loved local place (quite lovely and very Christmas-y), Tiger, Lily and I headed to my old home town despite the terrible weather. It took us five hours to make the 2.25 hour drive(!). It was like we were on Hoth. Seriously, we might have done better on Taun-Tauns. I've heard of "blowing snow" and "whiteout" conditions my whole life, but now I feel that I have personally experienced them.
Everyone is sick except my dad. Tiger and I both ended up going to the local Hospital this morning. Fortunately it's just a little virus; I thought I'd best be careful with my compromised immune system.

I've been off pain-killers for two days now. Yay! I wanted to as soon as possible for Lily's sake. She's still a bit jumpy still when I leave the room, poor kid. My absence seems to have strengthened her relationship to Tiger, which is beautiful to see. Thank you to everyone who telephoned, emailed, or visited while I was out of commission. I felt the love!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night ;-)

Today it happened...

Lilly climbed the 13 stairs from our first floor to our second, unassisted. * snif *

They get so big so durn fast.

Yesterday, Katie taught her both "high five" and the fist pound.

It Was the Gall-darn Gallbladder

Saturday I had what I thought was heartburn-from-hell, but five hours later on in the ER it was revealed to be a gallbladder attack. Apparently passing a gallstone (not to be confused with passing a kidney stone--two very different things) feels similarly to trying to birth a bowling ball from your stomach up into your esophagus. After some fine IV drugs I was doing much better. Sunday I had fun with an MRI--luckily I am not claustrophobic; it is a bit like hanging out in a well-lit coffin. Ah, yes, the rogue gallstones were found and it was decided that my gallbladder must be removed. I guess this is not an uncommon thing for women who have recently had babies to suffer. Is that fair? So on Monday morning I had laproscopic surgery to remove the offending organ (good thing it is expendable, no?). My sister flew in from Mexico for Christmas and, being a dutiful sister as she is, spent the night in the hospital with me, God bless her. It was like a painful pajama party full of vicadan and hospital gowns. Katie is thinking of having her her gallbladder out just so we can have a repeat fete.

I'm fine, but poor Lily had a very hard go at it without me (Tiger was always very appreciative of what I did at home, but now he REALLY admires my work). I've been home for a day and a half, but the poor little thing is still distressed whenever I leave a room. Until this weekend, she and I had never been apart from each other for more than four hours, then suddenly, 48. I would have seen her, but I thought it would be nothing but cruel to have her see me but not be able to nurse due to the drugs they were pumping into me. Tuesday when I came home was one big laugh/cuddle/nurse/nap fest for the two of us. Unfortunately in the absence of the nursing antibodies, she came down with a cold, so we are working on getting her back to her bubbly self.

Many thanks go out to the three Grandmas who did their best (two at a time) to keep Lily distracted from the fact the world she knew and loved was in a complete state of baby-hell (no mom? no milk? no!!). Extra special thanks to my friend Marlene, who even came to nurse and comfort Lily while I was unable to.

In case anyone is interested, here is a link to a YouTube video of my surgery.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=ycvwAfx3yF0

Other New Projects

Just as I gleefully began my sweater of joy, I realized that Christmas is coming, and, perhaps, I should think of some gifts. Over the last two years I knit all my kid cousins (most of my cousins are significantly younger than I) stuffed animals for Christmas and birthdays. This year I've decided to go for socks for my aunts (If you know any of my aunts, ssssh!). It's a good thing I have a relatively small family. Here are pics of my progress of the first sock.

My sister had a request for a "burnt orange beanie with a brim." Here is my offering. The top has a kind of swirly starfish shape in it. The hat is my own design, the footies come from "One Skein" by Leigh Radford (many jems in this one, I recommend it).

Projects, Old and New

Here is the picture of the sweater I've been working on this summer. As you can see, it is almost finished, but not quite. If I were a good and diligent little knitter, I would finish it straight away and never look back. But I am not. And I just found gorgeous soysilk/wool yarn for an absolute steal, perfect for a sweater in a really great book I just bought, Knitting Nature. This book is fascinating, even if one were to only appreciate the concepts or photography. It is now cold. Who wants to knit in cotton, versus wool, when it is cold? Sorry, cotton sweater. I'll finish you when the temps start to rise and I'm yearning for something springy. Until then, there is this beauty:
The extravagant yarn and exotic pentagon yoke pattern is calling to me now! (And, of course, this too shall be green.)

Health Club

I gave in and joined a health club. The last two winters I was able to find alternative fitness venues, but now that Lily is here, I didn't think it was good or fair for me to say, "Ok, honey, you sit in your playpen while mommy exercises and showers! see you in an hour!" We were able to play outside enough this summer for me to make my goal of getting back into my jeans before cold weather hit, but I knew I would need more to stay healthy this winter--I fear it is going to be a long one. Our gym provides two hours of childcare per day, and while I was a bit nervous about leaving her with strangers at first, my friend and neighbor goes there, as well as a lot of friends of hers, so that makes me feel better, plus the little sweetheart seems to take to it well, and she smiles and laughs when she sees the workers now. The nice ladies working there couldn't believe that Lily had never been in daycare before--no crying or separation anxiety--she's never even had a non-family baby sitter before. The two-hour time limit is perfect; enough time for an hour long class and a soak in the whirl pool and a shower, and that is Lily's limit for time without me, too. I'm only going to go about twice a week--I don't want to take advantage of Lily's good graces too much. She's only going to be my baby girl for a very, very short time. I can't believe how quickly it's gone, and how much she's grown (she's already in 12-18 month clothing!)

When I went to pick her up yesterday she was playing with her back to the door, and was obviously having a good time. I hope I never in my life forget the look on her face when she heard me say, "Hi, Bug!" and turned around. Pure blissful love is the best way to describe it. Gorgeous.

Lily's First Day of Crawling

Lily spent the whole of her sixth month threatening to crawl; she'd get up on all fours, rock back and forth, then, just as it looked like she was about to get to the crawling, she'd flop on her belly and kick her feet in glee. Cute, yes. Crawling, no. She really didn't need to crawl as she was able to get where ever she wanted to without that form of locomotion. Last Thursday she started doing this funny half-crawl, crawling with one side of her body and dragging the other limbs along for the ride. Sunday came the first motions that could actually be called crawling, and Monday, as I made breakfast, I heard a funny slurping sound. I turned around to find Lily slurping water from the dog's dish. Classic. After I took the dog bowl away from her, she made her way over to the Tupperware drawer and opened it promptly. Just like her mommy, apparently.

7 Year Anniversary!!

It's hard to believe that we've been married seven years already. As Tiger's mom tells people, "They're still on their honeymoon." And it's true. This is what seven years, a lot of hard work, a lot of joy, and one baby latter looks like. Bliss.

My parents sent a check for the occasion, so we celebrated by going out to our favorite sushi place. We hadn't been there since before Lily was born, so it was quite a treat. Plus, she was perfect the whole time. Bonus.

Media Fast

Hi, all. I am going to be going on a "media fast" this week. That means no Internet, DVDs, radio, CDs, magazines--everything except books--for seven days. Since I am a nursing mom, a food fast is out of the question, and I have been submerged in the constant bombardment of media (too much O.C and Angel, and pretty much an IV of NPR), distracting myself from everything. I am hoping to re-connect with God, my creative self, and people, during this time. Instead of listening to music, I hope to be creating it. Instead of surfing the net, writing. Instead of the radio, prayer. This is going to be REALLY hard, but I think it will be worth it. Hopefully I will be able to share some of my epiphanies with y'all next Monday.

Have a great week!

p.s. I'll still have my cell phone on ;-)

It's That Time of the Year Again

When things start getting a bit nippy, my knitting needles begin calling out to me. This is my first of millions of design projects for Lily, and I am quite pleased with the result. I am planning on making myself a hat out of the same yarn, I just need to decide on a style as this one might be a bit juvenile. Not that there's anything wrong with that :-p

Lily, 6 Months

Lily and I went on a hike to celebrate her 6 month birthday. As you can see, she found the sound of the wind in the leaves, the fresh air, and the sway of the ride in her sling very relaxing.

Experiment

On Thursday I began my two-week trial of a dairy-less and wheat-less life. I began to wonder if my life-long battle with acne wasn't from a food sensitivity, since it began when I was so very young (5), and I've explored every other route known to modern science. I understand that the hormones of pregnancy and nursing are not helping me out any, but I also know that wheat and dairy have been my mainstay my whole life (cereal is my absolute favorite) and that I upped the quantities significantly during pregnancy and since Lily was born, out of both craving and convenience (string cheese and cereal anyone?). So here goes. Day three of brown rice for breakfast (and lunch and dinner, but only because I haven't looked into many wheat-free options...I probably won't do that research until I know that this is helping). For the record, I THINK I might have FELT better yesterday. But that could have been more sleep.

Lonely People (Quite the Rant)

Why is it that, in a world absolutely covered from stem to stern with people that modern humanity's greatest plight is no longer survival, butloneliness ? TV shows are about it, songs lament it, Jr. Highs reek of it; it is something that every person identifies with, which, if you think about it should be absurd. With so many people out there we should all just be longing for a littleloneliness . But yet we are all terrified of never "finding someone," of "dying alone." Even when we have oodles of friends and loved-ones we still are plagued by it. Why is that?

Try bringing a very cute baby to a store, let's say the grocery store, in the middle of the day. One is absolutely bombarded by lonely people just longing to talk to you, see your baby, hold your baby. And I'm not saying that everyone who wants to talk to my kid and shake her hand or foot is lonely. You can tell the difference between the baby-lovers and the people whose kids are too busy for them and whose grandkids live across the country. You can tell who is lonely, the people who go to the mall several times a week for some human contact; buy things only to return them so that they have an excuse to talk to the clerks at the store. The socially-awkward guy who goes to the salon every three or four weeks just to have human touch. Ask a hairdresser. They can tell the difference between a guy coming in for a haircut and a guy coming in because he hasn't had human contact in a very long time. Or a massagetherapist. I'm sure they have stories.

I've been to the bottom of it. I have old notebooks brimming with poetry dedicated to trying to figure out the emotions it dredges up. I have a wonderful husband whotruly loves me and stops at nothing to take care of me and our daughter and make us happy. I have a gorgeous, fun, happy baby with me every minute of the day. I've got several high-quality, thoughtful, fun friends, and tons more quasi-friends andacquaintances. I have a great family, and to top it off, I'm on more than speaking terms with the creator of the universe. And yet I am lonely nearly every day. Why? I'm not even an invalid or a shut-in. Good gracious, I can't evenimagine what that must feel like, how the loneliness must eat away at everything that makes a person human.

If only all the moms in a city could find each other. If only all the gawky pre dorks and come together. If only all the -teens could realize that they are all, in fact, big self-conscious [Oh, man, a big part got deleted here and I don't have the time right now to rewrite. sorry.] elderly people at the grocery store at three in the afternoon could start a bridge club or something. But we all sit in our houses alone and watch Oprah or what-have-you, hoping to "stay in touch" with the world that is passing us by. Life slips by quickly, and death knocks suddenly. Now I am depressing myself. And all I want to do is watch another episode of The O.C. because it is easier to be entertained than thinking, easier than feeling, easier than waiting, and easier than taking the time out of my own 'busy' life to care for all the other lonely people around me.

A Glimer of Something Old, Something New

I wrote a song last night. The chords are simple, the subject matter worn, the lyrics a bit cheesy or trite, and it is borderline country (which, IMHO is a fate worse than torture), but I wrote a song. It has been a very, very long time since I could say that. It is a beginning; a jumping off point, and that is a heckuva lot more than nothing. It gives me hope.

On the bright side, it does contain a new idea, a fresh image that Tiger thinks I should flesh out and explore. Perhaps this is the seed from which a less worn, less cheesy, more folky, less country, song can germinate. It gives me hope.

Ubiquitous Poetic Blog Entry

Upon Looking at my Sleeping Daughter on her Five-month Birthday

My young dautgher lies sleeping--
firstfriut of my womb, bounty of
my breasts.

Her eye's fringed curtains are closed,
soft, curved, dark, like a wing
over the head of a resting bird.

Underneath are fantastic cheeks,
pink and sweet, like Gala apples.
Round, warm, kissable pink flesh.

It is about time...

That I make my feelings on disposable diapers known. I hate them. Really. Environmental and monetary aspects aside, they are pure crap. The other day, trying to go for "convenience" I packed our diaper bag with a few disposables rather than the usual cloth diapers. You tell me, which is more "convenient"? 1) Putting a soiled cloth diaper in a zip-loc baggie to wash later, or 2) Try to get your baby out of a onsie without getting the poop that has squirted out the back and front, on her face and hair? Seriously. I have yet to have a "blow-out" with a cloth diaper, but out of the handful of times I've gone disposable, it has ended badly. Cloth diapers have come a long way, baby, and it is better for the Earth, you, and your baby, IMHO.

Labor Day

I spent my Labor Day sipping good wine with fine friends next to a gorgeous garden in the country. How did you spend your day?

A Lovely Vignette of My Life (IMHO)

Today was just a beautiful day. The weather was crap, but that has nothing to do with this entry. Lily was a delight all day--the epitome of sweetness. She is usually a sweet delight, but today she outdid herself. Serene and full of smiles. Gracious to my bustling around, patient as I vacuumed and dealt with dishes, and cuddly and grateful when we sat to nurse. Unreal. I cannot imagine a more beautiful child.

We had a really nice Karate lesson. Tiger said that I looked like I had more confidence in what I was doing, which is nice to know that I looked how I felt. We had a good time. When we got home Julia was just beside herself with joy with Lily, which is always nice. Tiger made a simple and lovely dinner while Lily nursed, and the three of us hung out on the porch, Lily swinging while we ate, the dogs frolicking in the yard, everyone in a good mood. After dinner we practiced "I'm a Believer" for the company picnic. It feels so good to be playing music again, and even better to be playing together. Lily put up with our noise, and Elisa hid in her kennel. Then a quick round of Buffy/nursing/knitting to feed our habit, followed by Tiger reading to me as I nursed the baby to sleep, and now, writing. We might not be party animals, but I think that I could get used to this. This is good. This is nice. And now my two favorite people in the world are sleeping peacefully next to me. Life is good.

Lily

Lily has this new hilarious smile where she pulls her lips into her mouth over her gums as she smiles. She looks like a little old man who's lost his dentures. I hope to get a picture of her doing this, but she has a way of being ridiculously cute until the millisecond I pull out the camera--then she gives me the deer-caught-in-the-headlights look.

A New Tradition?

Recently Tiger and I have been establishing a new routine, hopefully a new tradition, in our family. In the late evening, while I nurse the baby to sleep, Tiger pours a glass of wine, and pulls the La-Z-Boy up to the bed and we just talk about anything and everything and sip wine. Unfortunately it is difficult to capture what makes this time so special. The lights are low and everything is calm. Our little princess is in her happiest place having her pre-bed snack. Sometimes the puppies are curled at my feet. We look at Lily and into each other's eyes and talk over the day or whatever is weighing on our hearts. It is simply a beautiful moment at the end of the day. Last night Tiger told me that he enjoyed these moments together even more than he enjoyed our times together in Mexico (for our 5-year anniversary and our "babymoon"). That is so huge. (Those vacations were stupendous.) How sweet it is.

Lily, Changing, Growing

Lily is such a sweet child. A real trooper. She puts up with a lot of guff with a smile on her face. She's reached the stage (which I adore) that she kicks her feet frantically when she is happy. You walk into her line of sight, and she kicks her legs like a cute froggie. Tiger calls her "Little Kicking Bear." At the Doctor yesterday she weighed in at 17 lbs. 10 oz. and 26.5" in length. My beautiful big girl. Her smile is infectious and she garners attention anywhere we go, even from young men. Women young and old coo and say, Awww, look at the baby! She's become a champ at turning over (still hasn't rolled off of anything) and no longer growls like a baby bear when on her tummy, which was very cute, but I am glad it no longer frustrates her so much. For the last week or so she pushes herself up on her arms as far as they will go--she's so strong, crawling will very likely come soon (ack! I need to baby-proof the house and get a new vacuum!). The other day, while she was sitting on her Little Potty, I made a face at her in the mirror, and she laughed! She got the joke. It's fun to see her sense of humor developing. She's gone back to nursing every two or three hours, around the clock, and I am exhausted. It is hard for me to be gracious about it at night anymore, after getting used to sleeping a bit longer again. During the day I don't mind so much; I know this is only for a time, and someday soon enough I will mourn her no longer nursing. For now I will enjoy it (except at 4 a.m.).

Mr. Peterson

Last night, Tiger pulled out his guitar, and I pulled out my bass, and we worked on a song for the company picnic, The Monkee's "I'm a Believer." He asked me if I wanted to sing with the Band his company was putting together for the picnic and I said of course, thinking it would be a bunch of hacks like me, only to find out that it is a bunch of professionals who do music on the side. I started to get a bit intimidated. I mean, sure, deep down I want to be a rock star (who doesn't?), but then I got married, finished school, had a baby, etc. and I haven't played in about 6 years, really (when I was 19 I put together enough decent stuff to record a demo. I did a bit after that, a few coffee shop shows, but nothing much). So we're planning on singing in front of all his coworkers without a practice session. Groovy. It's been a dream of mine for the last 12 years or so to play music with my spouse--you know, a husband and wife team--of whom Over the Rhine is my new shining example of cool. So I find my musical guy, married him, and, as far as music and us and playing together goes, blah. Nothing. A fantastic marriage, but a bit disappointing musically speaking. Until last night. We had a blast. I guess I'd always been a bit hung-up about doing original material, and due to a creative dry spell this led to doing not much at all. So we were working on "I'm a Believer," which I knew was not a Smashmouth original, but did not realize was the Monkees. God bless iTunes. You can find just about anything you want whenever you want it.

When I was in early elementary we had this music teacher, Mr. Peterson. He wore Nacho Libre-type polyester pants and white boots (actually, Mr. P's were black, but same general style) and had a Monkee's-type haircut, which were totally off the cool-radar of 1986. We thought he was such a dork. Fridays were "Guitar Day," and he would pull out his guitar and hand out typed packets of song lyrics and we would sing songs like "Puff the Magic Dragon," "Take the Last Train to Clarksville," and that song about West Virginia by John Denver. We liked guitar days, even though our first-grade selves didn't know where he got these weird songs that weren't by Warrant, Poison, or Bon Jovi (Actually , I'm a bit appalled that the kids in my class had those albums as first-graders--the only reason I knew about those bands was because of "Tape Day," which was also a Mr. Peterson exclusive).

I'm now realizing that Mr. Peterson was probably just some poor guy who had wanted to be a professional musician and took the prudent and safe way by becoming a music teacher. He probably wasn't nearly as old as we thought he was, and probably had "Guitar Days" as a sanity break from all the ridiculous and mind-numbing songs in our elementary music books. I mean, what self-respecting musician--or any adult for that matter--can take songs about "my funny bone" all day? He really did try to make music fun for us. What kindergarten or first-grader can really appreciate what an adult is doing for them by having Musical Chair Day? Judging by his clothes, hair cut, and song choices, he probably had wanted to be a Monkee, and instead was in some town the size of a thimble teaching music to a bunch of squirley , bratty elementary school kids in a tiny, depressing basement room all day. I pretty much want to bash my head in a wall for this poor chap. Guitar Day was really a brilliant move on his part.

Well, here's to Mr. Peterson and all the closet Rock Stars out there. Even if we never get up the courage, the talent, or the luck to really do it, may we all find a way to have Guitar Day.

Question for All You Readers

Has anyone ever read a really good book that was written in Present Tense (no, I do NOT mean "Present Day" or "In the Present")?

For example: "Susan trots down the stairs to the basement while humming an indistinct tune. She turns on the light and notices a strange, dark liquid seeping from under the door. Suddenly she is filed with dread and realizes that it is blood." That sort of thing.

I just have this idea that no good book could possibly be written in the present tense, and I would like to be proved wrong.

Lily and I put 100 miles on the car today. On 6 hours of sleep. Man, was she a trooper, in a good mood the whole way.

The strangest, most beautiful thing happened last night... Tiger was late at work (I mean really late--got home at 1:45 type of late), and I was in a mood, taking it personally that I hadn't heard from any of my European friends lately. I IM'ed Tiger to see if they had sent us an Update from Nice lately, to see if we were still on their prayer request list or if they had forgotten about us (not that I really thought they had forgotten about us, but, like I said, I was in a mood). In the meantime, I went to the church Nice's webpage and was looking at pictures of people I love in Nice, people who are new and I never met, people I met in Seattle who are now in Nice, and I was flooded with all sorts of emotions--of wanting so desperately to be there, not wanting to leave all I have here in the States, not wanting to take my daughter from her grandparents, wondering what our next Operating Instructions are. It doesn't help that it was late and I was overly tired. Tiger IM'ed back and said we were in their last Update. My heart gave a sigh of relief. I laid down next to my tiny sleeping angel, my mind racing with hopeful scenarios, plot lines, song lyrics, conversations, and anything else my brain could conjure up at the time. As I was trying to muddle through the mental mess I thought, I just need to pray. Out of all this mental guano came a gorgeous, fast, and lengthy prayer, all in French. I was astounded and awed by it. On my own, I can say maybe three sentences on my own in my pathetic version of French, before I hit my word limitation and I can only go on in English. But not last night. It flowed from my mind and heart out to God. I've never spoken in "tongues" or anything like that, but I wonder if this was a sort of heart's version of the thing? It gave me hope. I guess I can't prove that what I "said" made any sense to anyone but me and God, but I suppose that isn't quite the point now, is it?

In Other Dental News...

Lily got her first tooth today. * snif * Rolling over and a first tooth all within two days of each other. It's been a big week in baby development.

Another Succesful Dental Visit @ Ambercrombie and Fitch

I think my new dental office must recruit former Ambercrombie and Fitch employees. Everyone there looks to be between 25 and 35, thin, fit, tan, and attractive. I don't know about you, but I am very unused to having both my dental hygienist and dentist being young, attractive, metro-type men. What the heck? In fact, I was under the impression that I would be seeing the dentist I had 6 months ago, but there was this new guy, about a year too old to fit Ambercrombie's latest "look book." Too strange. I am used to a guy my parents age with questionable breath.

The hygienist really liked the idea that Tiger and I were taking Karate as activity we could do together sans kids, and he was wondering if that was something his wife would be interested in (as they have no such kid-free couple activities). It's so nice to be an inspiration ;-p.

The good news is that I have no cavities (yay! I'm still at a lifetime total of two), and a high-five for being a flossing superstar. Excellent.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

About a month ago (June 20th, to be precise) Lily rolled over twice, and then seemed to forget about it, or at least not want to be bothered with it. That all changed today in the church nursery. She rolled over 5 separate times in quick succession. I think it's official: she's a roller. The funny part is that she HATES being on her stomach! So now every time I put her onto her back, she rolls onto her stomach and is mad about it. Silly munchkin.

Me, an Entrepreneur?

This morning I was reading an article in Time magazine about entrepreneurs and I thought, Why not me? I started to develop the seed of an idea for a on-line store to sell unique, cute, and cool baby/toddler sweaters. You know, I'd make a few prototypes, have pictures of them on the cute babies I know, and then sell them made-to-order. I've got the skills. I've got a computer geek for a husband (to do my website, etc.). I've got design ideas. I have an adorable model. I've even thought of a slogan. The question is, do I have the time or the drive?

Ohh, THERE They Are...

Today Lily "found" her feet, meaning that she now grabs them. I am anticipating sticking them in her mouth to be her next plan of action.

First Tooth, Coming Through!

I think Lily is working on pushing out a first tooth! Bottom left (her left). My beautiful baby is growing up so fast!

A Week at the 'Rents

I just spent the last week at my parent's house back in my home town. That was a trip in and of itself. Lily and I went down on Tuesday, and I ended up having to stop 3 times for a 2.5 hour trip. Twice to nurse her in bizarre places (once in the parking lot of an apple farm, once at a sign that said "Swan Lake" even though all there was as far as the eye could see was prairie), and once in a place with a bathroom for me. Sheesh . I had been planing on going down Tuesday, coming home Thursday, and returning with Tiger for my parent's 30th Anniversary party on Saturday. The ride down was such an ordeal that I ended up staying clear until the following Wednesday (also, the fact that my sister is moving to Mexico in a week and I don't know when I'll see her next kept me in town to hang out with her), and Tiger rode to and from my parent's house with my aunt, uncle, and their three kids (which I am sure was a separate adventure in itself). The ride back home was not quite so difficult, but when Lily and I did stop to nurse, I realized making the trip by myself and two kids would be more than I could handle right now. It's a good thing kids (usually) come one at a time. Hopefully they will always come one at a time for me :-).

I had a great time being with my parents and sister, even though she was working during much of the time. We did manage to go on at least one long walk a day, which was lovely. It was very nice to have everyone around, and I've come to the conclusion that having family living nearby was the way things were meant to be. This was especially clear during the weekend, when all the Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins were in town--it was such a lovely time that it is difficult to describe it in words. The party was the fist time the Iowa family met Lily; it was so sad we only got to spend 24 hours together before they had to go home. I absolutely ache for them. We had a 3rd birthday pool party for my little cousin N on Saturday. I got to have some bonding time with with his mom and baby sister (my youngest cousin is only a year older than my own child!), which was a treat.

My parent's 30th Anniversary party was a complete success! Nearly all the invitees came! I've never seen my parent's house so packed, and everyone had a great time. It was fun to see people who I hadn't seen in eons, parents of childhood friends, former teachers...it was crazy. Mom and Dad even managed to have a good time, I think.

While cleaning up for the party we discovered a family of six owls living in the tree in front of my Parent's house (we found them because of all the guano they were leaving on the sidewalk). They became quite an attraction. I wanted to take one home and name her Hedwig, which just goes to show how much I'd been steeped in Harry Potter lately. Bye the bye, I got the chance to finish book 7 while I was visiting, too, despite being constantly interrupted. I read the last few chapters twice, just to savor it. I'm trying not to be just a bit depressed now that it is all over. Interesting enough, I learned that Harry and I would be the same age. So if he were real, and Hogwarts was real, and I went there, we could have taken classes together. I'm such a nerd.

Katie and I stayed up too late a few nights watching smutty TV. Just one episode. Only one. OK, OK, just one more. But I got a lot of work done on my knitting project during the smutty TV sessions, bonus.

New Project

I'm pretty excited about my new knitting project: http://chicknits.com/catalog/ariann.html
It's going to be in this yarn in lime: http://cache.lionbrand.com//yarns/newcottonease.html
I haven 't knitted at all since Lily was born, so I am pretty stoked.

I’m having a hard time now with, "But what about my life? What am I going to do with my life?" I feel like my thoughts and dreams for myself are these illusive grains of sand sipping though my fingers, falling through the hourglass faster than I can even watch (oh, good grief, how will I feel when I am ninety? Sheesh. Writing it out sounds a bit melodramatic). What will I do about these aspirations? These things I hope for myself? I like to muck around in this crazy selfish pit of mine.

Then Lily and I catch each other’s eyes.

She instantly brightens, her smile flashes, her cheeks round up causing her eyes to become beaming crescent moons, and she giggles, kicking her feet. Then I realize that I shouldn’t spend my time mooning over falling sand, but on the treasures I’ve got here at my feet.

First Karate Class

O.J. watched Lily so that I could join Tiger for a Karate class over the noon hour. It really was fun to get to see him in the middle of a work day, and to be able to share an activity together, just us. The class was very small, which is nice, because the instructor was able to be highly attentive and correct things as we went--I am sure I have many old, bad habits that were never attended to when I took Tae Kwon Do twelve years ago. Our instructor, who is in his 70s and is in better shape than most of the people my age, is leaving for some advanced instruction from his sensei , which he has done every year for the past 30 years. He's been doing Karate for 50 years. I think he just might know what he's talking about.

Mom found my old gi and brought it to me this weekend. I had a difficult time getting my old club's patches off (good sewing job there, mom!) and ended up making some holes in the gi trying to cut it off. Sheesh. I did my best to darn them, but I haven't much practice at darning things. I think it turned out okay. I was also hoping that she would find my white belt with the rest of the stuff but no go, only my red and red/black, so I felt a bit foolish showing up to my first class with a red belt. Fortunately, there was an extra white belt hanging around, but it was a kid's, so I had to improvise a bit. I was surprised that I remembered how to tie them correctly.

There were only three students at the session, which is awesome. We worked on fine-tuning punches and stances, which I am embarassed to say I needed badly. We worked on were some side kicks at the end of the class, and due to the small class size, I got the insturuction I needed to not continually practice something wrong. I could feel myself improving. A fantastic feeling. I hope we can find someone to watch Lily so that I can meet Tiger for one lunch session a week. Going only one night a week simply will not cut it for me.

More on Karate

I think I will give it a whirl. At first I was only going to do it to have an activity that Tiger and I do together, but I have started to psyche myself up for it. If I am going to do it, I want to do it with style, and really kick butt.

Karate Grown-ups

Tiger desperately wants to take Karate. He really wants me to take it too. The only problem is that I have absolutely no desire to take Karate at all. I've already done Tae Kwon Do and it was nothing to capture my heart.

I called up Julia at 3:40, thinking it was pretty jerky of me to ask her to come over to watch Lily on such short notice, but she practically flew out the door in a wave of glee the second I asked her to, and showed up by 4:30 thrilled to death, practically pushing us out the door. She later volunteered to oblige us with her services every Monday night.

Anyway...So we went with J&O to go and check out this dojo (or however you spell it). We had the wrong location at first, so we arrived for the beginning class a bit late. The sensei seemed nice and all, but I still wasn't convinced. Tiger immediately threw his money at the guy and signed up and bought a gi and everything. I couldn't believe that he did that without even observing one full class period, but he is much more decisive than I can ever hope to be, and, well, I'll just say that I'm sure he found a way to do some through Internet research in the last few days. We ended up staying to watch a blackbelt class, and that was pretty cool. One good thing that he pointed out is that there were a lot more people in the advanced class than the beginning, which is a good sign as there are usually a ton of people who start and think it is cool but then drop out before they are anywhere near advanced, so the fact that there are all sorts of really skilled and accomplished people in the club is a good sign to be sure. In all honesty, I've got this idea that a lot of martial arts gigs are a bunch of nerdy teenage boys that are attempting to be cool and failing miserably, but this one didn't seem to be like that at all. In fact, there were several female blackbelts who looked like they meant serious business, and I am always won over by chicks who can kick ass in whatever they are doing.

Blueberry Picking

We left early in the morning to go blueberry picking at a farm, with Sasha, Mike, and the Kids. The day was already a scorcher by 8am. When we got to the farm, the woman joked that if it weren't for the breeze, she would have to charge for sauna along with the blueberries. Thankfully, the breeze was delicious. The farm is situated on a hill overlooking a lush river valley that stretches 180 degrees around the farm. Flower beds ariot with color, thick deciduous forests, current and blueberry shrubs laughing in the breeze, and the corn, much higher than the knee, bowing in waves, were just some of the picturesque sights at the farm. I overheard a man telling someone that the best way to pick blueberries were to tickle them off the bush. So true. We spent two or three hours in the hot sun tickling berries from bush after bush, with Sasha and I taking the kids for breaks in the pleasantly cool shade of the trees, where there were picnic tables and a rope swing for the kids. They also had a little hut of sorts made out of willow saplings planted in a circle. Very cool. We ended up with eight pounds of blueberries, which means that I will just have to make a few pies :-).

We spent the reset of the day at the Saha's parents farm, which was, as always, lovely. It was a bit less Sasha and Mike oriented than usual, because they ended up writing and signing the purchase agreement for the land across the street from her parent's today rather than Monday. I am very excited (and a bit jealous) about their very-much-potential-probably-very-soon move.... I wish we could move out there, too. The writing that could be done in a place of such peace and beauty! Actually, truth be told, if I wanted to become a famous writer, I would need to move to the Lake District in England.

Tiger is even more convinced that we are still going to France...and it is not that I am not convinced, but, well, I thought my babies would be born in France...We both thought we'd be there by now...and now next week looks far away, let alone another country. I am both completely convinced that it will happen and think that it is highly unlikely all at the same time, which I realize makes little to no sense, but that is where I'm at with it.

Lily's Current Achievements

This morning, while Lily was sitting in her little bouncy seat, sunlight was making thin streams through the cord-holes in the window blind, making a pattern on the cabinet next to her. Lily noticed the pattern and was reaching out to try to touch it. I can’t covey in writing how beautiful this vignette was.

Nor can I convey the somehow adorable snorty-pig sounds she makes when she is hungry, the funny way she scrunches up her nose as she goes to eat, the tiny lilting musical sounds she makes as she nurses, how pretty her tiny mouth is against my breast, her dainty hand resting on my skin, or the satisfied drunkenness when she is full. I hope I will carry these in my mind’s eye always.

On Monday Tiger got into the back seat of the car with her, and she reached out to him, as if she wanted him to pick her up. She’s never done that before. He was absolutely crushed that he couldn’t oblige her request.

Happy 231st Birthday, USA

We got a few invites for the 4^th ourselves, so we decided it would be fun to have all those who invited us to come to our place, and ended up having quite a bash. I ended up making two salads and two blueberry pies in the morning, but need not to have been so domestic as many more deserts were brought. The day was quite warm but not repulsively so, and the baby pool was huge with the under-five crowd. All of our best friends were there, and they got to meet and hang out, which was cool for us. I was a bit apprehensive at first, but everyone got along swimmingly. Grandma Julia was absolutely floored by how attentive and helpful all the dads were with the kids. We do hang out with amazing guys (the ladies are no slouches themselves). Though she seemed to think that Tiger is a great dad because of seeing guys like Andre and Mike parent, which is partially cause and effect, but the truth of the matter that they are great dads and husbands having a lot to do with trying to follow the example of Jesus, and having had the examples of dads who had the same goal as well.

Tiger bought a bunch of fireworks (he says he didn’t want to disappoint Emily) and set them off in the back yard. Some of them were actually quite impressive. It gave the men a great opportunity to be boys :-) A great time was had by all, though I don’t know that Lily was keen on the loud bangs.

Update to "Unbeliveable"

Raquel, bless her heart, came with me to the photo place. I was a bit apprehensive about the whole thing—my mother had me all worked up that I was going to have to pay a huge sitting fee if I didn’t buy anything (which I wasn’t actually planning on doing), but I decided to go in a behave as if the prices didn’t phase me one bit. When we arrived I found out that, thankfully, there was no sitting fee, and that I didn’t have to purchase a thing to receive the free framed four-picture panel, as long as I came in for all four of the sessions (3 mo., 6 mo., 9 mo. & 1 year). If I decided not to buy anything from the four sessions I simply wouldn’t receive the free four-picture panel deal for the next kid. I’d be able to get the free panel for kid #2 if we purchased $250 worth of photos of the first kid, which would not be difficult to do at this place. The images were quite nice (though I was a bit disappointed at the pics of Lily and me together, which was not the photographer’s fault), but she is always cute so he would have had to be quite the dunderhead to screw them up. I am still undecided as to whether or not we will order anything or go in for the next three sessions. If we did the no-buy deal I would feel like I was scamming the guy.

Unbelieveable

If ever I wanted to spend $11,250 on a portrait of Lily, today I had that chance. Seriously. There are kids starving here in my own city, but I could be the proud owner of a portrait the price of a car.

We got a letter in the mail several weeks ago for a deal with a local “fine” photographer. I knew that this studio would charge more than, say, JCPenny or Sears, but I checked out the website and was impressed with the work (no prices listed on the website, of course). Little did I know until after the session just how much more. I haven’t given any money yet, so I’m safe so far, though I am terribly curious as to how the photos turned out. He took some of Lily, and of Lily and me together, that I know will be killer—you know, the cute "mom holding the naked baby looking adoringly at each other" bit--but it would be monetary suicide to view the proofs. I even took the time to straighten my hair and bathe the baby beforehand. Poop. And, man, did she pull out the cute for him, too. Sigh. What’s a sucker mom to do? Suck it up and go to JCPenny, that’s what.


After the little snafu with the photo session, we went to Grandma's house. She’d invited over some of her friends for fruit smoothies and cute grandbaby. They were attentive and showed Lily the proper amount of admiration and adoration. Unfortunately it wasn’t until after everyone left that she really pulled out all the stops on the cuteness scale. She’s most always winsome and adorable, but I have rarely seen her displays of giggles, flirty eyes, kicky feet, and coy grins paralleled to this afternoon. Julia and I were melting all over everything in gooey love-sick puddles.

Yesterday a woman told me, “They don’t make ’em cuter than that.” I didn’t do anything but incubate her and provide half the chromosomes, so I don’t think it’s tooting my own horn to say that I whole-heartedly agree.


Afterwards, Julia took us to one of our favorite resturants for dinner. Tiger didn’t arrive until after we were done eating (we were much too ravenous to wait), but it was a nice time anyhow. There was some really great people watching there tonight. Everyone who passed was absolutely fascinating. For a while I felt badly, but then I realized I was just checking everyone out. I mentioned this to Tiger, and he said he’d been doing the very same thing. I was wondering if that is what it is like to be male all the time—completely visual, drawn to look at people—almost autonomic.

Proud Grandma?

I might be wrong, but I think my mom enjoys being a grandma. It was the framed picture of Lily in every room of her house--sans the bathroom--that tipped me off.

On Shallow Things, Such as Hair

I’ve been growing my hair out for, I don’t know, 3 or 4 years, since we went to Nice (geeze, has it been that long since we were in France??). It has finally gotten long, not as long as my goal, but very long. And, as per usual, it has been giving me headaches for quite some time now. And, as per usual, before I get to my long-hair goal, I am beginning to fantasize about cutting it short. Really short. But I know how this works…I will obsess about cutting it, then on a whim, go to whoever is closest and hack it off. I will love it for about 6 months, and then I will spend the next 3-4 years growing it out again. Well, in terms of hair at least, I can’t be called boring or stuck in a rut. The same haircut for 5 or 10 years? Not me! The same haircut every 5 or 10 years? Perhaps.

Deeper Love Bears Repeating

I was looking at Lily today, holding onto her foot, and I kept telling her, “I love you. I love you. I love you,” over and over again. Usually when we say something over and over the thing tends to lessen in meaning, or loose meaning completely. For example, when I wrote out my senior class pictures, like you do, after a while my own name took on this bizarre illusive quality until I hardly identified the word with the meaning. Today, however, the more I told Lilly I loved her, the more wrought with meaning it became. With each repetition the feeling sunk deeper and deeper into my chest.

Develpmental Milestones

Lily rolled over this morning. I’m not sure when babies are “supposed” to, but she is 12 weeks old today. She only rolled onto her side once before this. Oh, man, my life is about to get more complex!

Bizzare Dream

Don't bother analyzing this or anything, but about a week ago I had a dream that I was snorkeling in a murky lake on a very cloudy, potentially stormy day. I began to sink to the bottom, feeling my face and chest sink into the weeds and mud at the bottom. All I could think was, Ok. I’m going to die. I’m too tired to save myself. Then with my right hand I pushed Lily, who was apparently with me, up towards the surface. I woke up a bit disturbed.

Love, Loss, Love

I just read an article written by a woman whose baby died in the birthing process, after her water broke. Oh, God, the amount I cried surprised me. I’ve never been a crier (“never” being before I became pregnant with Lily). These tears came from deep within me from a place I hardly knew existed. To work, and love, and bring forth something—a child—that has been taken from you before its first breath must be the greatest tragedy a heart can know.

It’s funny; when I look at Lily, of course I love her—she’s gorgeous, funny, charming, fantastically chubby—all the things a baby should be. Then there are the moments when I am overwhelmed with this crazy passion for her—a sort of strange, devouring passion, like I want to put her inside of me and carry her next to my heart and never let go. I remember when I first fell in love with Tiger, wanting to put him on like a coat so that I would be completely surrounded by him always, that perhaps our atoms could mix and we would become one being, never to be separated. This mothering feeling is similar in intensity, only now I realize it is me wanting to be the coat.

This woman wrote the article hoping that in sharing it that “you will hold your children that much closer.” And I will.

An Indulgent and Adoring Description of My Daughter’s Physical Person

I want to take the time now to describe my gorgeous daughter so that when I am 90 I can look at my 63-year-old daughter and somehow remember her two-month-old face. Lily is growing and plumping up at an astonishing rate. She is becoming so fantastically chubby that her arms don’t have the usual four rolls, but five, three on her upper arm and two on each forearm.
Lily's face has filled out so much that due to her cheeks, her head is now more square looking, except for this tiny, dainty chin protruding slightly from the bottom of the square. I am absolutely in love with that chin. Who knew a person could love a chin? Above her chin, tiny and round, like a set-in marble, are these fantastic, pouty lips the color of ruby-red grapefruit-flesh. Lips that would make Angelina Jolie consider collagen injections. Her nose is a baby nose, the type called button, but her eyes—oh, her eyes! When they are open they could light a cathedral. Whenever people we know see her awake they behave as if they have seen something fantastic, like an angel or a shooting star. We still don’t know what color they will end up—Julia still has her heart set on blue—Tiger jokes that they could turn the darkest brown and she would still say that they were “linda ojos azules.” Tiger and I might entertain a moment or two of disappointment if they go brown, but I’ve already fallen in love with one set of brown eyes, I will happily do it again. As for now they are a dark graphite blue with a light grey halo around her pupil.
The first few days of her life I joked that Lily's funny little ears were on up-side-down, as the tops taper and curve off and away, not quite pointed, and the bottom of her lobes are quite round, like the tops of ears usually are. When mom brought up baby pictures of me we realized that those were my baby ears and now I reassure her that they will round out when she gets older. Her hands and feet are all me—people exclaim at her long fingers and toes. Tiger says he is relieved that she got my feet and hands (Aunt Pat calls the their side's hands “farmer hands,” and I once hurt Tiger's feelings by saying he had cute hobbit feet), though an Italian woman in a French class we were taking in Nice once went on and on about the merrits of Tiger's hands, so he shouldn't feel too badly about them.
Most often she reminds me of pictures I’ve seen of Carlynn as a baby, with glimpses of my baby pictures every so often. I think she might have Katie’s nose, but I often fancy she reminds me of my Great Grandma. I don’t know if that means that I think she looks like on old woman or not, perhaps it is the cheeks. Either way, my Great Gram was a beautiful young woman, she looked quite a bit like Drew Berrymore, so it would turn out fine.
Lily's belly protrudes in that fantastic way that babies bellies do, and now when she sits topless in her carseat or I hold her naked over her little potty, she looks like a baby-faced Buddha, all rolly and happy.
Tiger and I are completely in love with her, and constantly say to each other, “look at our beautiful baby. Isn’t she gorgeous?” It is a combination of the purest kind of love and utter fascination that this tiny creture is yours. I’m still in denial sometimes, as if her parents are going to show up any minute and my life will carry on as it always had before. But she is mine. I’m a mama. That is a bit too trippy.
I was talking with Anne and we were agreeing that this whole adult business is startling as our minds often see us as 12 or 13. We have these adult lives with adult responsibilities and every so often we stop and think, can this possibly be me? Aren’t I 12 or something?
I’m so afraid I will forget something beautiful and important about her…like the way I was amazed when I watched her eyes dilate the other day, how I was overcome by the fact that she works. Everything about her works. Or how, in the morning, when I hold her over her little potty she beams up at me adoringly with the most amazing toothless smile, and when I do it at night she cries. How when she poops she curls her tiny sausage toes. I want to remember all that.

All in the Family

Yesterday we went out to Andre's parents to celebrate Nathan’s third birthday. What I didn’t realize that this was a “family only” party—counting us in as family. This is the second time in the last few weeks that we have had this honor bestowed upon us (also by Sasha and Mike’s family when we were invited to Mike’s “family only” graduation party). Tiger and I are so blessed to have these two families in our lives. Funny, they both started out as “my friends,” and quickly became “our friends.” I had been praying for some close girlfriends, and God provided not only intelligent, trustworthy, and wise women, but also women who, having children a bit older than my own, can give me sound advice and patient understanding with my own child. A nice bonus is that Elle, Lily, and Sasha and Mike's Baby Girl will all be within a year-and-a-half of each other—built in friends. Excellent.

I’m not sure, but I think Lily must have started lining her diapers with lead, because this little girl has gotten markedly heavier in the last couple of days. Wednesday she slept the entire day away. I am not exaggerating. Then yesterday she was awake nearly the whole day, napping only during our walk (and who can resist that?) and while I made dinner (yes!). She was also in a fabulous mood—laid-back and cheerful, cool with just hanging out, even allowing me eat—I could get used to that!
I also realized that for her to return to her newborn length I would have to cut off her legs at the knee. No wonder she slept all Wednesday. Sam and Ama had their baby, a girl, and Karen sent out pictures of the little cutie. She’s got a fantastic afro already! She was 7 lbs., almost Lily's size exactly, and looking at the pictures, it’s already hard to remember Lily that small.
Lily's begun vocalizing and smiling a lot in the last week or so. It is a lot of fun…I think this might be the most fun she’s been so far…who can resist adorable coos and infectious smiles? This fits into Sasha’s theory that from 3 weeks to 3 months a kid is dealing with “this is where I am now, this is how it’s going to be,” and after that they realize that this place is kind of neat, there are some cool people and cool things, and then they are okay with being here…or perhaps forgot how great the womb was. Either way, it is a fun time.

The Point of Television, First Excursion into "The O.C."

Due to inclement weather and a roommate who buys TV shows on DVD, I knowingly threw myself into the pit of The O.C. First Buffy, then Angel, now The O.C. It’s a good thing he doesn’t own The Office or Lost. I’m only two episodes in, and already I am beginning to understand the draw. I have also come to an understanding about the state of modern TV, perhaps the whole history of TV. The point of TV is to sell products (I used to be less cynical about this thinking it was about entertainment and giving writers a creative outlet, but I am much too jaded to believe that anymore). The best way to sell products is to get the viewer hopelessly addicted to the show, like heroin, so that the viewer simply must come back week after week, thinking about the show in between times, waiting, anticipating when they can get their next fix, scheduling his or her life around their favorite shows.
How do these clever writers and marketers accomplish this? By convincing the viewing audience that they do not have a life. Whatever semblance of a life that the viewer does actually have pales in comparison to the flashy clothes, prefect hair, and witty banter of their TV friends. And that is what the characters become—friends. If the viewer misses an episode they feel as if they have missed out on a part of the life of people whom they know and love. When the show finally comes to an end, there is a sense of loss to the viewer, as if people they have a relationship with have died. So I, the viewer, must come back every week or day or whatever the interval, in order to enter this world that is bigger, brighter, and more glamorous than my own, which causes me to further be discontented with my own relationships/hair/lack of witty comebacks, creating a vicious cycle of needing the show and it’s characters, thereby exposing me, the viewer, to more ads.
It’s brilliant, really.
But I’m onto them. I don’t watch TV shows until they are several years (or a decade, you know) off of the air, thereby missing the ads. I am therefore subjecting myself to the same discontent with my own life (especially feeling that I wasted my teens and early twenties) and false relationships, all without the pressures of mass consumerism. God bless America.

Post-partum Issues

I’m having a hard time with body-image issues right now. I’m surprised at how much I think about it, and I am ashamed to admit it because I’ve never liked to be a “typical” woman, and I have always hated to hear women, especially attractive women, complain about their bodies, especially their weight. Aside from when I was actually pregnant, this is the largest I have ever been, which makes sense, but it also makes things hard for me mentally. My mind’s eye sees me as how I looked last summer, probably the best I have ever looked in my life (IMHO), and then I look in the mirror and, damn, what happened? Obviously my gorgeous daughter happened, and while she is more than worth it, I have to remind myself over and over, This is temporary (though I fear that it is not). You just had a baby 9 weeks ago. The right-away-skinny people are the freaks. Heck, lots of women look like you who have never even had children! But I think about it all the time. Way too often, and in too great a quantity. I am also embarrassed at how vain it shows me to be. It also doesn’t help that the two things that were the most affected, my skin/face, and my stomach, are the two areas of my body that I am most self-conscious of. My stomach, which for the first time in my life I was okay with last summer, now resembles a bizarre squishy cantaloupe. Emily even asked me why it was stripy, which it is, a big red and white cantaloupe. My face, on the other hand, which looked horrific at Christmas time but was cleared up by what seemed to be a miracle, Murad, is now just as bad as ever. My only consolation is that I apparently the motherhood “glow” is able to shine through several layers of makeup. But again, I hate being so heavily made up. I find it embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as going anywhere without it, which I haven’t been brave enough to do yet. By the comments people make about my “nice skin” either they are unobservant or lying. I look like the “before” picture of zit-cream ads. All this I am obsessed with. Tiger says this obsession is just a part of the hormone shift, which has hit me quite hard in the last two weeks or so, and perhaps he is right. The truly sad part is that even with all of my self-absorbed whining, I still receive attention from my looks, and I am occasionally reminded that in the grand scheme of things, I am quite well off aesthetically, despite falling short of my ridiculous standards for myself.
I was at the post office the other day, thinking about some new makeup that perhaps would make my face appear less like a flakey pizza and trying to suck in my gut when a young woman came in. She had a look to her physical person of one whose physical deformities also suggested mental slowness as well. I realized then what a bastard I was. Here I was, moping about how “bad” I looked (I still had a guy in line check me out), and this poor young lady may never have had a guy give her the time of day. I hope I am wrong about her, and that my even thinking all this proves what a jerk-face I am, but I also know that people are cruel and that we judge on the physical even when it is completely unfounded and unmerited. I want to be the type of person who looks not at the outward apperance, but at the heart.

Baby #2???

TIger is already talking about when we will have another baby. Lily is 9 weeks old. I know that we want to have the kids close together, but the question is: How close? The midwives suggest waiting a full year before getting pregnant to allow your body to heal, and I understand this concept, but part of me thinks, why bother going to all the trouble to get back into shape, back into my old jeans (if that will ever happen again) only to get the same old stretch marks and flabby stomach right back again? Might as well get it all over with and then let my body really heal.
Loni’s mom and sister’s were at her house for the birthday party today, and Loni’s mom’s first three kids were one year apart each, and then three-year gaps. She advised having the children close together, as did Loni, whoes first two children are a year apart. Her sister said she wished she’d had her children close together (the three are widely spaced.)
I do want the kids close together, not for my benefit, but for theirs—I want them to be able to play together well, unlike Katie and myself, who did not get along until after my wedding. Loni said that as long as they are mobile, let them be mobile together, and I see the wisdom in that, though I am afraid of not giving either of the children the attention they deserve, and for myself, missing out on their babyhood. I’d probably want more kids later simply because their babyhoods went so darn quickly.
One of my main concerns is that with Lily, I was profoundly tired throughout my pregnancy, but especially the first trimester, and I am worried I wouldn’t be able to take care of her properly, or at least the way I would want to take care of her. Then there is the subject of my youth; I suppose it would be best to get all my kids out of the way before I am 30, but I want to enjoy being young. There I go again, believing the television lie that I can’t have fun and enjoy my youth with my children. No, I must be out clubbing and sleeping around in order to live out my youth fully, so I screwed that up long ago.
Of course, it might take me longer than a year to become pregnant anyway. Or, like Tiger's cousin, I could end up preggers tomorrow (though I am nursing; I don’t know if she nursed). Too tierd, too soon to make these decisions. Blah.

Good Parenting Advice from Ingrid Bauer

"Surprisingly, many times whena a mother feels exhausted by all the demands she feels placed upon her, it can actually be more helpful to reconnect throught closeness than to pull away, take a break, or quit responding to the baby's needs. Certainly, mothers are often tired and lacking sleep. Sometimes a few monets of rest and solitude really are the best solution. But, as someone once said, 'The best cure for exhaustion is wholeheartedness'.
"...But when our tiredness is siply an annoyance or a resistance to what is, we can choose to turn the clock to the wall, ignore the voices that tell us that fulfilling out babies' attaachment needs will spoil them, and value dependence as the healthy, natural job of an infant rather than a manipulative energy drain.
"Through opening out hearts widely, drawing from a source that is as deep and sweet as motherhood itserf, or finding solace in a friend who understands and can listen deeply, we can find rest even within our tiredness.
"When a baby needs to pee or nurse or be cuddled, that's what he or she needs. Right away. The laundry can wait; so can the dishes, the groceries, that phone call, or that exciting project you are finishing. They'll all be waiting fro you after you respond to your baby."

"Take time to slow down your day, appriciate the moment, and be where your hands are."
"...we learn to give up preconcieved ideas about parenting, our cultural definition of convenience, and the illusion that we are seperate from our babies."

-Ingrid Bauer, Diaper Free

The Best Audio/Visual Ever

This morning I awoke from most sleep I've had in ages, to the sound of a light, dancing spring rain laughing in through my open window, and the beautiful face of my smiling baby girl, alseep in my arms. Does it get any better than that?

EC

I'm currently reading "Diaper Free: The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene." NIH is probably more widely known as "EC" (Elimination Communication). I'd heard about EC before Lily was born, and knew it was something I wanted to find out more about. Sasha is also thinking about doing it for little-baby-due-in-October and lent me a book on the subject. I was reading that book today while Lily nursed and fell asleep. The book suggested trying after baby wakes from a nap, so I did. When she woke up I held her over the sink and, sure enough, "caught" a potty! I tried again 10-15 minutes after the next time she nursed--worked like a charm! Now I'm pretty excited about the whole thing. My goal, at least for now, is not to be diaperless, but to merely reduce the number of times in a day Lily has to acutally utilize her diaper's function. She's got an exceptionally sensitive bottom, and dispite my most diligent efforts I have not been able to get rid of her diaper rash (it was almost gone last week, but then it came back worse than ever--it makes a mom so sad!) I'm also excited about the prospect of never having two kids in diapers or a three-year-old in Pull-ups.
What is funny to me is that the first half of the book is a convincing argument about why EC is sane. Eventually I just skipped it because I didn't need convincing. It just makes sense. It is logical. I already know that she doesn't like a dirty diaper, and I don't like her to have to sit in it, no matter how short of a time. If I am able to train myself to know her cues that she needs to go (or as the case may be for a while, that she has already gone) I can keep her from this uncomfortable fate. It's good for me and really good for her. Plus less work for me in the long run (I won't have to spend the average 8 months "deprograming" her when she is two).

Finally, the Shoes

I recieved the third shipment from Zappos.com yesterday, and was deliberating on wheather or not these were far better than the last 3 pair of shoes, worthy of the $55. Well, I won't say they are worth $55 yet, but I have been on the search for flip-flops with arch support forever, and they are very comfortable, so I was willing to take a stab at it. I did do the perscribed "put them in the oven at 225 for 2 minutes and then wear them for 3 minutes to conform them to the shape of your foot" bit, and they did a bit, not so much as I had anticipated, but they are comfy. We'll see about value in the comming days/weeks/months.

Helpful (?) Advice

Mom and Gram came over and spent a good chunk of the day with Lily and me. Mom was up because Grandpa had a colonoscopy this morning and she was worried, mostly about Gram. Gram was very lucid and the visit was nice. We had lunch at Jimmy John's (baby's first Jimmy John's! :-p). I will say that it is interesting to hear the comments and suggestions that Mom and Gram make regarding Mothering/Parenting. To me it is simply a refection on the changing advice of the medical community. They both suggest things that I think would be detramental, such as that she has diaper rash because she "doesn't like your milk" (Gram), or that I should give her bottles with water or cerial for my own benefit because she eats so much (Mom). I love them both, and I know they loved there kids and did a good job raising them, and that they love, adore, and dote on Lily, but there is some advice I will never follow. It is sometimes best to just smile and nod.

First Cooking A.B. (After Baby)

I have been blessed with not having to cook the whole of these last 6 weeks. My first meal was some excellent French Toast with asparagus (more along side "with" the French Toast so much) and raspberries. It was beautiful, a riot of color. In all honesty, I wouldn't have had to cook tonight, either, but I had the time, Lily was okay in her swing (she wasn't digging the sling, but I did try), and I was hoping for a night of family bonding and romance. Mom had spent most of the day trying to wake up Lily, who stubbornly slept throught the entire visit, whereas when I was hoping, praying, begging for her to sleep in the evening, she was wide awake for hours (I've never seen her awake for that long on end) and fussy. Very fussy, wanting to nurse for hours on end themselves. It just about put me over the edge. I had been trying to get her to sleep so that I could have uninterupted time with Tiger since 6:00, and the little turkey refused slumber until nearly midnight! I wanted to drown my sorrows in cookies (fortunately for me I had used the last of our eggs for dinner). She did finally drop off around midnight.

Eating Day

Today was, in fact, an "Eating Day." Tariaki chicken and asparagus, followed by a walk to the Grand Ice Cream and some excellent conversation. Just what an Eating Day should be. As per usual we stayed later than my sleepy body wanted, but if it were up to my brain we would stay talking to the wee hours nearly every night of the week.
Sasha spent the weekend at her parents home. She and Mike looked at a house for sale with the idea that it would be moved to the land directly across from her parent's farm. This would make me rediculously happy for them, insanely jealous, and very depressed at their absence. But for them, I hope it works out. She *hint hinted* at their having pleanty of space for visitors, which is a comfort :-s.

Six Weeks Later

I had my 6 week check-up with the midwife today. Just as I anticipated, everything is great, and we've been given the oficial OK for resuming all pre-baby activities, which is why I was surprised that Tiger wanted to do an Eating Day today, but after 8 weeks what's another day, I suppose. I really like my midwife and she and the receptionist, Joe, were adaquately thrilled with Lily's cuteness :-). Luckily for me, Abuelita was not working today and she voulenteered to accompany us to the appointment--I had to wait quite a long time in the exam room and in the mean time Lily started to fuss and Abuelita took her out of the clinic to enjoy the warm day...If i would have had to entertain her before/during an exam or she was screaming...that would have been a nightmare.
We had them weigh her out of curiosity, I guessed she would weigh 9 lbs, and Julita guessed 10 lbs...my adoreable little piggy who snorts when she is very, very hungry weighs 11 lbs!! Two inches and four pounds in six weeks...even the midwife was amazed :-)
After we walked the two blocks to Jamba Juice and the Breadsmith--Yum! We had a good time eating out treats, chatting, and enjoying comments on what a cute baby we had. I will never tire of hearing that! Yesterday at church, a grandmother told me that Lily was the most beautiful baby she had ever seen. I'm so glad everyone agrees with us on this subject :-p. My own mother's responce to this story was, "Well, you were a beautiful baby, too." Which is not the point; this isn't about me. Plus, that woman didn't see me as a baby, so I was not able to throw off her judgement ;-p.

My First Mother's Day

I'm not sure what makes me feel that time is passing me out of control: realizing that I am 27, the fact that I have been married over 6 years, or that this Mother's Day I am actually a mother. Going to the Arboratum for Mother's Day was a good idea--a bit too much of a good idea. I've seen that place packed before, but never like this--not a parking place to be had. So we ended up going with plan B.2--Panara and ice cream at G&G's. Tiger went to work and dug me my garden for Mother's Day instead. It was nice to be with mom & dad & gram & gramps, but I was pretty wiped out. Daddy & I went on a walk around G&G's neighborhood. The day started out quite cool but by the time we went on our walk it was a quarter-past hot. Things were just low-key all day, not a whole lot to report other than it made my heart glad to watch my grandpa go gooey all over Lily, Gram, too. I am so thrilled that she gets two great-grandparents. Mine meant a lot to me. I just hope and pray that they are around long enough for her to get to know and love them the way that they get to know and love her. I bothered to get some shorts--mom helped with that. I'm not crazy about them, but they will do until I can wear my "real" clothes.

Mommy Day at the Park

Ok, so it is probably always mommy day at the park, but this time I was a mommy at the park, so it counts or something. I met Sasha and we went to a really great park to meet Ani and Aden there. The weather was fabulous as long as we stuck to the shade, and the time flew as we three chatted. To be quite honest, I was surprised by the number of dads at the park. I was expecting the moms, and not all too stunned by the grandmas, but I would not have guessed at the amount of dads there. It made me miss Tiger quite a bit and wish he could have been there too.
After I went to Sasha's and we ordered Pizza Lucy for lunch--lovely. We spent quite a bit of time outside, lounging in the shade of their front yard. Emily kept wanting me to read "Calvin and Hobbes" to her, which is strange because the humor is far beyond her four-and-a-half years, despite my changing wording and explaining stroylines for her benefit. She seemed to enjoy it very much anyway, and insisted that I keep reading it to her.

A Lawn Story

Julia came to rock the baby, so I used this chance to mow the lawn. At first the mower would not start; it was so cloged up with matted grass clipings from last year that I couldn't even pull the cord! I had to flip the mower over to dislodge the hard-as-concrete grass mats. Then there were about fifteen false starts. When the mower finally did start and stay running, I had to go over everything twice because the grass was so thick and wet (despite the sunny day). After my shower, I saw that my neighbor was out mowing her lawn; I figured that she saw me doing it and felt that she couldn't put it off anymore (we had just talked about how our lawns were bad but it was OK because our lawns matched). I went over to talk to her and give her a hard time about it, but as it turns out the City had come by and issued her a yellow slip stating that they had four days to take care of the lawn or the City would do it to the tune of $160! Yikes! Looks like I got to work just in time.

First Outting with Anne and Ava

After months of talking about it, Anne and I finally got together. She came over with Ava, and we went on an hour and forty-five minute walk, which seemed to fly by. It is amazing; Anna and I really haven’t been friends since she moved from my home town in the fourth grade. We would see each other from time to time, but nothing that was relationship sustaining. A few months ago she discovered that we live only four miles from each other and that our daughters would be the same distance apart in age as we are. As Anne kept pointing out today, that the “coincidences” and similarities could not possibly be chance. There were just too many and too many variables to be random. Apparently her husband will not concede such a statement, but I will have to agree with Anne: I think there is a larger purpose for us getting together.

Eating Day

Yet another lovely eating day and Sasha astounds me again. Two kids and another on the way and yet she manages to whomp up an amazing meal of home-made noodles with a sherry cream sauce, home-made ice cream, and rhubarb desert. Tiger made his baby field green salad, this time with Gorgonzola cheese instead of feta—very interesting, but never to be repeated. The Gorgonzola, that is.

I am constantly amazed at the levels of intimacy in conversation that we are able to have with Mike and Sasha. No subject is off limits. We even (finally) spent time in prayer together. I have to admit that I was intimidated to pray with them, which I admit is silly, especially since we have discussed nearly every topic and Sasha was there at the birth of my daughter—the woman has seen me more than naked! As it turns out being friends with us is affecting their love-life! Let me explain. Mike is a server at a nice restaurant, therefore he works mainly nights and weekends. He is finishing University by taking night classes, and they like us so much that they are spending their free nights with us (and we all stay up much too late), and they are wanting to spend all of their free nights with us, therefore cutting into their “personal” time (much harder with two kids and co-sleeping as well). It is both funny, sad, and flattering. They just enjoy hanging out with us that much! Mike will be done with school soon, and hopefully he will be able to find a job with “normal” hours, freeing up more evenings. And hopefully the four of us will find the self-control not to hang out every night of the week. It is astounding that we are not sick of each other yet, but, on the contrary, we seem to grow closer and have more to talk about every time. Last eating day Emily invited us to live with them (we can bring Josh and the puppies, too), and this time she was certain that we would spend the night saying, “See you in the morning!” on her way to bed. 

Lily on the Move

Tiger and I co-sleep with Lily, and as this is a slightly controversial practice (there was just an article in the paper last week which both our mothers sent to us), we are very careful about how we do it for Lily's safety. We make sure to put her head way up by the headboard. She is so small that when we pull the blankets up to our chins they cover only her feet. She also sleeps in a funny little holder of sorts that keeps her on her back, but also has hard sides so that her person is more substantial: we are not concerned with rolling over on her (as is a concern voiced by some. Personally, I would think you would have to be pretty drunk to roll over on a big lump like a baby and not realize it). On to the story…

After her 2 AM feeding I put her back into her little spot and fell asleep. She had only nursed from one side before she fell asleep, so I anticipated her waking up a bit early for her 4 AM feeding. At 3:45 I awoke to typical Lily hungry noises, along with a tug on my hair. I turned over to find that Lily was not only tugging on my hair, but she had somehow scooted herself down in the bed about a foot—about the distance that would put her head at the same height as if we were to nurse laying down! I guess I don’t know that that is what happened, but it seems awfully suspicious…I don’t know how else she would have moved down that far unless she woke up and was very hungry. I KNOW we didn’t move her! The little turkey! She’s so strong!

Lily Gave Me My Song Back

Tiger just said to me, “Have you noticed you are singing again? I tell Lily, ‘You gave mommy her song back.’” I think it is true. I am singing again. How poetic.
I used to sing all the time. I mean all the time; it mortified my sister. I wouldn’t even know I was singing—at tennis practice, at the mall, anywhere, everywhere, and all the time. I’m not sure exactly when this stopped, but it was about 5 or 6 years ago. It may have stopped abruptly after my repertoire concert at a Coffee House (when all my musical leanings stopped suddenly) but I can’t be certain.
I’ve tried to force myself to need music again several times over the years. Not missing it more than I do seems wrong, indecent almost. It used to be my driving force, then, bam, nothing. Nothing. Nothing. No more poetry, either.
I hoped motherhood would bring back a song to my heart. Perhaps she will be the catalyst that brings music back to me. Or perhaps that chapter is closed for good and writing will forever take its place.

Lily

I am sitting here, on my bed, the morning spring sun shining happily through the lace sheers, looking at my gorgeous baby girl sleeping. Eyes closed, round cheeks, cherry mouth, my funny baby elf ears, tiny nose, tiny chin (oh, how I love that chin!) arms above her head, hands splayed, and, as Abuelita says, “I love the shape of her head; it’s prefect.” I am almost startled at her beauty and perfection—that God would entrust such a jewel with me. Granted, at 4 AM when she needs a diaper change and to be fed, I’m not usually thinking “what a precious jewel.” But last night I was. Of course I didn’t want to get up at 4, after only 2 ½ hours of sleep, but while I was changing her, and realizing that, because I am changing her I’m preventing her adorable bottom from getting diaper rash (a lesson I learned the hard way when, one night, I fed but did not change her out of sheer exhaustion), that even in that circumstance she is a precious jewel. I don’t know what I will do when she gets her first severe illness. I’m sure I’ll cry.
She’s already bigger—a lot bigger—than she was a month ago at her birth. Abuelita came over yesterday and was marveling at how much bigger she is now than she was on Thursday. I for one think that she must have had a serious growth spurt because when I was nursing her last night she seemed huge. It’s funny; I’m sure I will delight in watching her grow, and I look forward to when she will do and say funny things (though I know discipline will come at that age too, which will make us both cry I am sure), when I look at Ana and know that Lily will be that size this time next year, I want to cry. She’s my tiny, sweet baby. I want her to be tiny just a while longer.

A Note on this Blog

All names and proper nouns have been changed by my husband's request, just so everyone knows.